DEPORT Biden’s Zombie Invaders or Burn the Swamp

Friends, patriots, meat-smokers of every denomination, lend me your grill tongs! I, Brick “Two-Aprons-No-Surrender” Tungsten, come galloping out of the turbo-charged cornfield to warn you that our Republic is being nibbled like a state-fair turkey leg by Biden’s shambling Zombie Invaders. The hour is late, the charcoal is hot, and the very Constitution itself is begging to be basted in freedom sauce. Either we DEPORT these federally fermented freeloaders or we light the bureaucratic swamp aflame, preferably with eco-friendly lighter fluid made from recycled NPR tote bags. Let us commence.

ALERT: One Million “Parole-No-More” Migrants Breach the Lawn!

Picture it: a million fresh-pressed “legal” migrants strolling past your inflatable bald-eagle sprinkler because Grandpa Joe handed them a golden Willy Wonka visa. Then, BAM!, Big Don stomps through the hydrangeas and thunders, “Parole? Never heard of her!” Overnight, those same folks are stamped “illegal,” like expired oat milk at a yoga retreat. Department of Homeland Security under Secretary Kristi “Noem If You Got ’Em” tore up their work cards so fast Chuck Schumer’s glasses fogged. The Center for Immigration Studies cheers from the bleachers, chanting, “Build the paperwork maze higher!”

While liberal media sobs into cruelty-free tissue, the facts grill hotter than a tailgate at Talladega:
• 1+ million parolees, poof, status revoked.
• 900,000 CBP One app arrivals now told, “Nice barcode, see ya in El Salvador’s CECOT.”
• Business lobbyists crying labor shortage louder than a vegan in a Texas steakhouse.

That’s not a crisis, folks, that’s Tuesday at the Tungsten ranch.

Math So Simple Even Liberals Weep: 1 Legal – Trump = 1 Illega-Palooza

Common-Core calculators flee in terror from this equation: take one legally admitted migrant, subtract one Trump executive order, and you get one primo presidential-grade undocumented person. It’s like magic, except the rabbit is wearing ankle monitors. Liberals say “You can’t just de-legalize people!” Oh really? Tell that to the founders, Washington re-classified the British from “guests of the Crown” to “targets” using nothing but a quill pen and righteous fury.

Research czar Steve Camarota crunches numbers between deadlifts: ending Biden’s parole pipeline means one million fresh deportables per annum. That’s enough passengers to fill 13,000 Boeing 737s, or as I call them, Freedom Sleds. Meanwhile, birthright citizenship is on the chopping block, no more “press 1 to deliver in America.” Projection? Another 5.4 million unauthorized by 2075, which is approximately when Joe Biden will finish his next sentence.

Meet Florndjie Camey, Haitian Cashier Turned Deep-State Sleeper?

Enter Florndjie Camey, age 31, mild-mannered cashier by day, possible deep-soy sleeper agent by night? She came from Fort Liberté, Haiti, escaping gangs that make MS-13 look like the Wiggles. Vetted, fingerprinted, sponsored, and hired at $15 an hour in Miami. Sounds wholesome, too wholesome. Then Supreme Court’s May 30 smackdown nixes her CHNV parole faster than you can say “croqueta.” Camey files for Temporary Protected Status but vows, “I will not stay undocumented.” Translation? The moment she runs out of quarters for laundry, she’s back to Canada, Chile, or Mars.

Liberal outlets parade her like a human dreamcatcher: “Look, a hard-working immigrant being punished!” Spare me. My Uncle Earl was a hard-working moonshiner, and the feds deported him straight to county jail. Rules is rules, Florndjie. Maybe Elon can build a SpaceX bus to Fort Liberté, two-step boarding: scan your phone, salute the flag, blast off.

Supreme Court Smacks CHNV; 500k Cubans, Haitians & Nicas On Ice

Break out the red-white-and-blue popcorn. The Supremes, who apparently moonlight as bouncers at Club Constitution, just told half a million Cubans, Haitians, Nicaraguans, and Venezuelans: “Last call, show’s over.” Dissenters whine, “They passed security, they bought drinks!” Sorry, folks, the fire marshal (also known as Article II) says capacity reached.

Cue advocacy groups filing lawsuits faster than Liz Warren live-tweets a Banksy. They scream, “The vetting was extensive!” Yeah, so is the TSA, yet somehow I still lose my tube of patriotic hair gel every flight. The administration claims CHNV was exploited by “bad actors.” I say, name names, was it Nicolas Cage, Jared Leto, or that kid who played Anakin? Either way, ticket revoked. Try Disney World.

Noem’s “Self-Deport or Self-Detonate” Memo, Now in Spicy BBQ Flavor

Kristi Noem, a woman so tough she sprinkles gunpowder on her cornflakes, issued a politely worded flamethrower: CHNV parole and work permits terminated; kindly self-deport or watch your social-security number evaporate like kombucha in the Mojave. She even offered travel tips: “Take I-95 south till you hit water; keep going.”

Detractors shout, “That’s cruel!” Cruel is my aunt’s tofu Thanksgiving. This is justice, smoked low and slow. Plus it’s cost-effective, why spend ICE money when you can crowd-source deportations? Give every parolee a Fitbit that only counts steps heading south.

Big Ag Begs for Workers; Brick Says Grow Robots, Not Visa Trees!

Meanwhile, Big Ag and Hotel Lobby wave their straw hats: “We need workers! Crops rotting! Sheets unlaundered!” They demand more H-2A, H-2B, H-2Whatever visas. I counter with the Gospel of St. John Deere: “In the beginning was the Tractor, and the Tractor was with God, and the Tractor replaced man.” If labor is short, buy more robots. If birth rates decline, crank up the honky-tonk playlist and tell Americans to procreate like it’s a power-lifting competition.

Studies show immigrants add billions to GDP. Studies also show kale is a “superfood.” I rest my case.

Finale: Fireworks, Banjo Solos, and a Million One-Way Tickets Outta Here

Picture the grand finale: Fourth of July, all skies lit, Lee Greenwood hologram crooning while a convoy of buses labeled “RETURN TO SENDER” rolls toward the horizon. Inside, a million newly “illegal” folks clutching souvenir pocket Constitutions, courtesy of Brick’s Freedom Foundation (non-tax-deductible, because the IRS is a Marxist front).

Sponsor circles? Bless their hearts. Nine altruists pooled resources for 30 parolees, sweet. Now pool resources for plane tickets. Canada’s nice this time of year; watch out for Trudeau’s mandatory maple-syrup baths.

By 2025, Trump vows one million deportations per year. Make that 1,000,001 because my neighbor’s cat came here on a tourist visa and never left. The swamp will burn, the borders will hum with laser turrets powered by bald-eagle tears, and somewhere Ben Franklin fist-bumps an archangel.

And there you have it, patriots, proof that the grill of liberty never closes. Grab your spatulas, mount your muffler-less muscle cars, and join me in chanting: “DEPORT Biden’s Zombie Invaders or Burn the Swamp!” Act now and I’ll throw in a limited-edition Tin-Foil-Tricorn Hat™, scientifically proven to block socialist Wi-Fi. Operators are standing by (they’re my cousins; pay them in jerky). This is Brick Tungsten signing off, keep your coals hot, your borders hotter, and remember: if it ain’t sizzlin’, it’s treason.