The Bill of Rights (Original Text + 2025 Annotations)
Ratified December 15, 1791. Currently interpreted like a horoscope. Amendment I – Freedom of Religion, Speech, Press, Assembly, Petition Original Text:Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances. Gonzo Annotation (2025):Freedom of speech is now conditional on how red your hat is. The press? Branded fake unless it’s quoting the President verbatim. Peaceable assembly gets tear-gassed if your signs rhyme with “no fascist…
The Maple Annexation: Trump Eyes Canada, Rubio Translates Crazy into Policy
When Rubio explains Trump’s foreign policy, you can almost hear the Constitution sobbing.
The Rule of Law Has a Limp, and It’s Bleeding Out in the Rose Garden
There’s a glimmer of hope this whole circus might not outlast the term. And no, that’s not a punchline. It’s a grim little flicker of constitutional candlelight flickering through a fog of executive tantrums and congressional cowardice. After 100 days of executive orders, courtroom smackdowns, and legislative narcolepsy, we can at least say this much:…
Exiled Without Trial: Trump’s Deportation of American Citizens
Welcome to the New American Playbook, where toddlers with cancer get deported, facts get waterboarded, and due process is just a dusty relic tossed in the trash next to Trump’s platinum-plated Bible. If you thought the first term was a slow-motion car crash, buckle up — this one’s a flaming limo doing donuts on the…
Trump’s First 100 Days: A Roaring Dumpster Fire in a Leaky Shopping Cart
Donald Trump’s second-term reboot isn’t just a rerun—it’s a full-blown sequel with worse writing, a bloated lead, and a budget deficit so massive it makes the original look like an indie film. One hundred days in, and the orange menace is back with a vengeance—to common sense, to constitutional law, to international stability, and to…
The Time for Nice is Over: Pritzker’s Five-Alarm Fire Roars Through the Heart of America
If you’re still whispering about norms and clutching pearls over broken decorum while fascism bangs on your front door, you’re part of the problem. Illinois Governor J.B. Pritzker just lit a goddamn bonfire in New Hampshire and handed us the matches. If you didn’t feel the floor shake beneath you, check your pulse—or your spine….
Order in the Court! Judge Calls Trump’s Perkins Coie Purge a ‘Shakedown’
It’s another glorious day in Trump’s America, and you can smell the fresh-printed executive orders in the morning. Somewhere, a bald eagle weeps as President Donald J. Trump, freshly powdered and energized by the fumes of a thousand burning legal ethics handbooks, declares war on… Perkins Coie—America’s least sexy, most litigiously liberal law firm. How…
The Billionaires’ Cabinet: Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Conflict of Interest
Picture this: It’s dawn in the swamp, and President Donald J. Trump is rolling up to the White House in a gold-wrapped Tesla Cybertruck, his cabinet of billionaires in tow, blasting “Money for Nothing” while draining the last bureaucrat from the pool with a pool skimmer made of bitcoin. Meet the wealthiest Cabinet in American…
“VLADIMIR, STOP!”: Trump Tweets While Kyiv Burns—America’s Diplomacy in 280 Characters or Less
Kyiv wakes up choking on dust, bleeding in the gutters—twelve dead, ninety wounded, dozens of buildings cracked open like eggs by Russian steel and drone propellers still buzzing in the cold Ukrainian dawn. It’s the worst barrage since last summer, but who’s counting? In 2025, atrocities come with a press release, a hashtag, and a…
America, Powder Your Nose: Pete Hegseth’s War on Shine (and Shame) at the Pentagon
Welcome to the new era of American defense, where victory is measured not in battalions, but in bronzer. That’s right—Pentagon insiders and D.C. gossips alike confirm Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, former Fox News hair product tester and current Pentagon boss, just ordered a full-blown makeup studio installed next to the press briefing room. And yes,…
Born in the USA, Held Like a Fugitive: ICE’s Kafkaesque Comedy Hits Florida
They’ve done it again. The bureaucratic brain fog that fuels the American immigration machine has managed to detain a U.S.-born citizen for the crime of… being brown while bilingual on the wrong stretch of highway. Let’s paint the picture. Juan Carlos Lopez-Gomez, age 20, born in the peachy heart of Georgia, was riding in a…
Trump’s Trade-War Tantrum Tanks Trillions: A Crash Course in Self-Inflicted Economic Chaos
Early April 2025 will go down as the week Donald Trump’s “big league” tariffs sparked a market meltdown, erasing nearly $5 trillion in wealth in a staggering 48-hour nosedive. Wall Street, usually resilient, panicked like traders in a tornado, with the S&P 500 plummeting over 10%—its worst two-day collapse since the pandemic-fueled chaos of 2020….
The GOP’s Trillion-Dollar Deficit Bomb: Billionaires Win Big (But Hey, No Tax on Tips!)
If you’re still recovering from Trump’s emergency tariff frenzy, strap yourself in for the GOP’s latest fiscal rollercoaster: a “big, beautiful bill”—Trump’s words, naturally—that promises to blow a multi-trillion-dollar hole in the national deficit faster than you can say “fiscal responsibility.” Fresh off Trump’s January inauguration, emboldened Republicans bulldozed a budget package through Congress carrying…