Stock Market Crashes, Bounces Back After Realizing It Forgot Its Wallet!
In a dramatic turn of events this week, Wall Street experienced the shortest and most polite economic downturn in history. The Stock Market, personified and clearly in a rush, plummeted sharply on Monday. However, in a plot twist that has economists scratching their heads and screenwriters scrambling for the film rights, it promptly bounced back after realizing it had forgotten its wallet.
“We’ve seen dead cat bounces before, but this is unprecedented,” said an analyst at Goldman Sachs, still visibly shaken but relieved. “It’s a miracle! The Dow just turned around, muttered something about being ‘such a scatterbrain,’ and shot right back up.”
The sharp decline, attributed initially to something very complex and economic-sounding, turned out to be a simple case of forgetfulness. As it turns out, even the invisible hand of the market can sometimes pat its pockets and realize it left its wallet on the dresser.
Main Street was briefly thrown into a frenzy, with average citizens anticipating the collapse of civilization and the inevitable adoption of barter system where toilet paper reigns supreme as currency. But before the survival bunkers could be restocked and the ‘End is Nigh’ signs painted, the market made a robust recovery.
The SEC has announced it will be reviewing this unprecedented event. “We’re considering recommending that the market attach one of those little Bluetooth trackers to its wallet to avoid any future scares,” a spokesperson said, amid a collective sigh of relief from the global economy.
As the world takes a moment to recover from the shortest recession in history, we’re reminded that even the mighty Stock Market isn’t immune to a case of the Mondays. Financial advisors are now shifting their focus from diversifying portfolios to reminding the market to check for its keys, wallet, and phone before leaving the house each morning.
In related news, sales of wallet chains are expected to skyrocket among nervous investors looking for a surefire way to tether their financial security to something tangible. The market, meanwhile, has reportedly made a New Year’s resolution to be a bit less forgetful – a promise to which economies worldwide are desperately clinging.