Trump’s First 100 Days: A Roaring Dumpster Fire in a Leaky Shopping Cart

Donald Trump’s second-term reboot isn’t just a rerun—it’s a full-blown sequel with worse writing, a bloated lead, and a budget deficit so massive it makes the original look like an indie film. One hundred days in, and the orange menace is back with a vengeance—to common sense, to constitutional law, to international stability, and to your wallet.

Let’s start where Trump started: the self-congratulatory victory lap. Declaring it “the most successful hundred days in American history,” he puffed his chest (and his FUPA) while Wall Street burned. A $6 trillion market loss says otherwise, Don. Consumer confidence cratered like your Atlantic City casinos. Approval ratings? Subterranean. He’s clocking in below every president in the last 80 years, and yes, that includes Nixon and Hoover. Herbert Hoover. The guy whose name is synonymous with economic catastrophe.

Yet Trump struts like America landed on the moon and assassinated bin Laden on the same day. The only moon landing in this administration involves Elon Musk’s Department of Government Efficiency slingshotting constitutional rights into a crater.

Immigration was supposed to be Trump’s red-meat victory. Instead, we got a humanitarian horror show. Trump promised to deport the “worst of the worst.” Instead, ICE snatched U.S. citizen children—including a four-year-old battling cancer—and shipped them off without so much as a hearing. No violent gangbangers. Just kids in chemo. Trump clearly misunderstood the Make-A-Wish Foundation; the cancer kid gets the wish, not the deportation order.

Meanwhile, Trump’s big win on religion was watching JD Vance visit Pope Francis, who died the next day. Yes, the Pope. The man survived leper colonies, war zones, and sewage water, but apparently 10 minutes with JD Vance was a bridge too far. Divine intervention? No. Just Republican vibes.

And then there’s the war in Ukraine—the one Trump swore he’d end on day one. He didn’t. Of course he didn’t. Because saying “I’ll talk to one, then the other” is not a strategy—it’s what your drunk uncle does at Thanksgiving to stop a fistfight over mashed potatoes. After 100 days, Trump’s “peace plan” boiled down to giving Putin everything he wanted while telling Ukraine to suck it up. The result? More bombings, no peace, and a desperate Trump resorting to all-caps tweets: “VLADIMIR, STOP.” It didn’t work, Don. Putin isn’t a golden retriever.

But wait, there’s more. Trump launched a trade war on Liberation Day (read: when he liberated America from coherent economic policy). No warning, no preparation, no plan. Just slapped tariffs on allies and adversaries alike, then acted shocked when other countries responded. Strategic uncertainty, they called it. Game theory, they said. Except in real game theory, you don’t screw over your own team just to bluff China.

Instead of coordinating with American industries, he blindsided them. Now, we’re facing rare earth shortages because China cut us off, and America forgot to stockpile magnets. Magnets! Essential to everything from car manufacturing to robotics, and now apparently the most endangered object in Trump’s America after coherent thought.

Meanwhile, his personal wealth? Skyrocketing. Trump’s net worth has more than doubled thanks to meme coins and sweetheart deals. Law firms offering a billion dollars in free legal work. Social platforms like Meta and X paying him off like mob bosses keeping the peace. Amazon reportedly forked over $40 million for a Melania documentary. A documentary! Ken Burns made the entire Civil War for a tenth of that. Planet Earth cost less. And I promise you, Melania is not more captivating than the Amazon rainforest or the fall of Vicksburg.

What about free speech? Trump is now targeting universities, seeking to gut academic freedom. And what’s the bold response from Chuck Schumer and congressional Democrats? A strongly worded letter with eight firm questions. Eight! Maybe one was “Why is this university different from all other universities?” Wrong book, Chuck.

This all stems from Trump’s belief that he is the leverage. In his warped worldview, America is a department store—a failing one, naturally—where he controls the prices and the door policy. If you don’t like it, too bad. But leverage doesn’t belong to Trump. It belongs to the people. The republic. The Constitution. And that, more than anything, is what he misunderstands.

Trump has downgraded America. Our brand used to be a beacon of hope, a shining city on a hill. Now it’s a spirit Halloween in a burned-out strip mall, where the mannequins are melting and the shelves are filled with knockoff nationalist merch.

So let’s speak plainly. Trump isn’t just failing. He’s torching the place. We are watching the disassembly of democracy with a laugh track and a meme coin ticker. Our shining city? He’s turning it into a despotic strip club for billionaires, backed by cultists and cowardly enablers.

Donald, you are not the keeper of our pot of gold. You are a temporary leprechaun on a four-year bender.

All caps, Donnie: STOP.

Published by Justin Jest for WOYJO.com.