First Contact Fiasco: Aliens Demand Earth’s Manager!
In a cosmic kerfuffle that has both the International Space Station and local customer service hotlines buzzing, extraterrestrial beings have officially made contact. Yet, it appears that their inaugural wish isn’t for world peace or mutual understanding but, perplexingly, to lodge a complaint with Earth’s manager.
Emerging from an iridescent spacecraft with the dramatic flair one expects of intergalactic travelers, the aliens, adorned in what could only be described as cosmic couture, bypassed the welcoming committee of the world’s top scientists and diplomats. Instead, they hovered ominously over a Starbucks, demanding, in perfect English and with a hint of an otherworldly accent, to “speak to the manager of Earth.”
“They didn’t come with laser guns or peace roses, but with complaint forms and a sense of entitlement we’re not equipped to understand,” shared NASA’s Lead Extraterrestrial Relations Officer, Dr. Jane Starbound.
The aliens’ grievances are as complex as they are baffling. Earth’s gravity is “simply unsatisfactory,” the oxygen levels are “pedestrian,” and don’t get them started on the planet’s Yelp reviews.
“We’ve endured meteor showers with more grace,” announced Zorblatt The Unassailable, self-appointed spokesperson for the star travelers, while levitating majestically, a spectacle witnessed by billions on live TV.
World leaders are in disarray. The United Nations hastily convened an emergency session, only to realize there’s no existing protocol for escalating complaints to Earth’s manager, largely because no one is quite sure who or what that is.
“The closest thing we have is the UN Secretary-General, but he’s currently indisposed, working through the ‘aliens and international law’ section of his job description,” shared a UN representative.
As the world grapples with this unprecedented diplomatic quandary, the aliens wait impatiently, occasionally zapping espresso machines to make “a brew fit for celestial beings.”
Who will step up as Earth’s manager? How will we address the cosmic complaints? These are questions humanity must face, under the unimpressed gaze of extraterrestrial beings who, as it turns out, might just be the universe’s first cosmic Karens.
Note to our beloved readers: This interstellar tale of customer service woe is seasoned with imagination, a twist of whimsy, and should be enjoyed with a generous pinch of salt.