Justice

Justice: Where the scales of justice tip over with laughter! In our Justice section, you’ll find the most uproariously twisted takes on law, order, and the occasional courtroom circus. Perfect for legal eagles and jesters alike who believe that every trial should come with a punchline. Disclaimer: No actual laws were harmed in the making of these satires!

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    Bank of America’s New Arbitration Clause: Opt Out by May 18, or Forfeit Your Right to Sue

    Bank of America has slipped a new clause into its Online Banking Service Agreement that might leave customers feeling like they’ve been handed a hollow victory at a carnival rigged against them. Starting May 18, 2026, unless you actively opt out, you’ll trade your day in court for the dubious privilege of arbitration—think “Judge Judy” minus the cameras and potential for viral moments.

    Your peace of mind requires quick action: opt out within 60 days of notice if you’d prefer not to spend future disputes shaking your head in arbitration alone. Much like the coffee shop loyalty card that demands you punch out 12 paper stamps for a free latte, inaction here means you’ve agreed to play by BoA’s new game, where class actions are reserved for those who move fast.

    Reddit, serving its usual role as the modern town crier, is alive with users pointing out this stealth legal change. One particularly snarky commenter called it a “chef’s kiss” for its perfect execution in the fine art of hide-and-hide-the-instruction-manual. The post has sparked a flurry of advice on how to break free from the arbitration shackles before the deadline.

    So, how do you save yourself from arbitration limbo? BoA’s carefully tucked-away instructions say you can opt out through their website or by giving them a call. You have 60 days from notice to exercise this right. It’s a bit like finding out you can still order the secret menu if you know the handshake—or in this case, the phone number.

    Arbitration might sound like a fancy dispute resolution cocktail, but here’s what’s in the mix: no jury, no class actions, just you and a third-party arbitrator hashing it out tête-à-tête. So, your fight becomes a one-on-one rather than a class-action fiesta.

    In the shadow of polite ‘thank you for being our client’ emails, lies the true stakes: a handful of months to swap hidden terms for clear court rights. Miss it, and the next time you have a grievance, you might find yourself annoyedly reenacting “My Cousin Vinny” without Joe Pesci’s comic relief.

    Sources

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    Cleveland’s Consent Decree: Judge Slams the Brakes on Exit, Reforms Still Pantomime on Paper

    On the gravely symbolic date of May 11, 2026, Judge Solomon Oliver made it clear that Cleveland’s police reforms remain mostly aspirational, denying a joint motion by Cleveland and the Department of Justice to terminate the city’s 2015 police consent decree. This decree, initially inked with the intent of overhauling police operations, now faces the judicial equivalent of a flat ‘no’.

    For those who’ve noticed more file paperwork than actual reform, this is hardly surprising. The 18th Semiannual Monitoring Report, which arrived mid-March with all the weight of a door stopper, flags genuine improvements in areas such as use-of-force training, crisis intervention programs, and the availability of public data dashboards. Yet, despite these upgrades, Judge Oliver’s decision highlights gaps slower than a DMV queue at the core of Cleveland’s accountability systems.

    Cleveland’s motion to end the decree came in February this year, citing advancements that, on paper, seemed to breathe new life into local policing. The report praises progress in training and staffing, but raises an eyebrow at the city’s lingering deficiencies in civilian oversight and discipline—a concern acknowledged with the formality of an unwanted invitation.

    Amidst the buzz of city officials parading optimism, the judge’s ruling claps back with the weightiness of a collapsing filing cabinet. The consent decree remains a legally binding document, reminding us all that stacks of paper alone do not a reform make.

    This matters, of course, when real lives hinge on whether police accountability is more than a recurring item on a forgotten agenda. As footnotes flex and exhibit margins burst with annotated hope, Cleveland communities remain eager for change that isn’t just an inkblot on administrative parchment.

    So, what does this all mean for Cleveland going forward? Sustained assessments and federal oversight will continue, keeping the hope of living, breathing reforms tethered—until paper progress matches real-world action. Until then, every filing cabinet remains poised to quietly clear its throat once more.

    Sources

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    Court Holds Medicine (and Our Sanity) Hostage—Supreme Court Hits Pause on Abortion-Pill Snafu

    Folks, buckle up because the Supreme Court has once again chosen to play its favorite game: judicial hot potato. Justice Samuel Alito has hit the snooze button on sense and reason by extending his emergency stay against the Fifth Circuit’s ruling on mifepristone. If you’re keeping score at home, that means telehealth and mail-order access to the abortion pill stay intact until at least this Thursday, May 14, at 5 p.m. ET. It’s just another Tuesday in our democracy, where clarity is a pipe dream.

    Why should you care? Well, if you’re a woman who relies on telehealth for reproductive healthcare, this bureaucratic charade means you’re left holding your breath. The Fifth Circuit’s decision that was supposed to go into effect required in-person dispensing of mifepristone, a much more cumbersome process. This decision affects a majority of medication abortions, so the stakes are sky-high for providers and patients trying to plan for, you know, their lives.

    According to AP News, this hold keeps the current pharmacy and mail-access arrangements in place, which is crucial given that in-person requirements would massively curb access to care, especially in states where clinic availability is sparse. Why make something easy when you can wrap it in red tape and douse it in paperwork perfume?

    The joke, if you dare call it that, is on us. While Justice Alito contemplates from the shadow docket, everyone else is left in the kind of limbo that bureaucrats and goblins might call home. Providers have to play a guessing game about what’s legal and what’s not, with patients caught in the middle like political pawns. Thanks, SCOTUS, my blood pressure just filed its own extension.

    The Guttmacher Institute highlighted the true madness here: this isn’t just about an abortion pill; it’s about whether medical care can be managed like a game of Calvinball. With around-the-clock uncertainty, patients and providers deserve better than being dangled by the whims of temporary rulings. But that would require the courage to issue a clear ruling. And courage, apparently, is out of stock.

    Keep your eyes peeled, folks. By Thursday, the Court might decide to extend the stay again—or even rattle everyone with a decision. Until then, the stay is extended, sanity is on lease, and the only consistent thing here is chaos.

    Sources

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    DOJ Admits ICE Misled Courts, Turning Legal Hearings into Arrest Traps

    Here we are, folks, another day, another bureaucratic facepalm. Imagine my surprise when the Department of Justice, the esteemed organization that apparently reads memos with its sunglasses on, confessed that they’ve been arresting immigrants at courthouse doors based on a memo that doesn’t apply to immigration courts. Cue the crackdown chaos.

    In a spill-your-coffee revelation, the DOJ filed a letter on March 26, 2026, admitting their blunder. They’ve been using a May 2025 ICE memo, officially titled “Civil Immigration Enforcement Actions in or Near Courthouses,” as a ticket to handcuff immigrants leaving their immigration hearings. Turns out, it wasn’t worth the paper it was printed on—not for immigration courts, at least.

    The DOJ’s admission? It’s like realizing your GPS was pointing you the wrong way the whole time, but this isn’t just getting lost; it’s wasting taxpayer dollars on unnecessary arrests. Imagine coming out of a court appearance expecting to go home, only to find Uncle Sam waiting with handcuffs that clicked based on a non-applicable memo.

    So, what’s the fallout? DOJ has started removing parts of previously defended legal positions, although they stopped short of an actual apology. Meanwhile, DHS stands firm, pledging that courthouse arrests will continue—even after this paperwork whoopsie. Legal advocates are understandably up in arms, and frankly, who can blame them?

    But let’s bring it down to the human level. Each arrest, each courtroom ambush has meant real life interruptions—families torn apart, rights violated, and more time in detention than necessary. It’s about as far from paperwork perfume as you can get; this is the unvarnished truth of policy mishaps hitting the streets.

    At the end of the day, what have we learned? When policy is crafted from flimsy memos and misapplications, the consequences aren’t just on paper—they’re affecting lives. This is why my coffee is perpetually cold and why, as citizens, we need to read every memo like our rights depend on it. Because sometimes they do.

    Sources

  • War Zone, Meet Courtroom: The Supreme Court Declines to Immunize Contractors

    The courthouse still smells like toner and consequences. And on April 22, 2026, the Supreme Court delivered a small, unfashionable message in a big, emotional setting: war does not automatically erase ordinary accountability for private actors.

    What happened: Hencely v. Fluor goes back to court

    In a 6-3 decision, the Court ruled that Army veteran Winston Tyler Hencely may pursue state-law tort claims against contractor Fluor Corporation tied to a 2016 suicide bombing at Bagram Airfield in Afghanistan. Justice Clarence Thomas wrote the majority opinion. Justice Samuel Alito dissented, joined by Chief Justice John Roberts and Justice Brett Kavanaugh.

    The underlying facts are brutal. The Court record describes a Taliban operative, Ahmad Nayeb, working for Fluor on the base under the military’s “Afghan First” initiative, which required contractors to hire Afghans. During a Veterans Day 5K event in 2016, Nayeb detonated an explosive vest after Hencely confronted him, killing five people and wounding seventeen. Hencely suffered severe brain injuries and is permanently disabled.

    Hencely sued under South Carolina law on negligence theories including negligent supervision and negligent retention. The Fourth Circuit had dismissed the case under a broad idea: when contractors operate under military command in wartime, state-law claims arising out of “combatant activities” are preempted. The Supreme Court rejected that sweeping rule and sent the case back down.

    Plain English: the Court refused to invent a new immunity

    • Preemption needs a real hook. State law yields when it conflicts with the Constitution or valid federal law. The majority said the Fourth Circuit’s blanket rule lacked grounding in text, statutes, or precedent.
    • FTCA immunity is not a party favor. Fluor pointed to the Federal Tort Claims Act “combatant activities” exception (which limits suits against the federal government). The Court said that exception does not automatically extend to contractors.
    • Existing contractor shields still exist, but they have boundaries. The Court discussed Boyle (when state law significantly conflicts with a federal interest and the government directed the challenged conduct) and Yearsley (contractors acting within validly conferred federal authority). The majority emphasized that the shield does not fit when the contractor allegedly acted outside authority or contrary to military instructions.

    The tradeoff: war language versus courthouse access

    The dissent warned that litigation can invite second-guessing of security arrangements on an active base in a war zone. That is not a frivolous concern. But the Orwell check is whether “combatant activities” becomes a magic phrase that turns negligence into inevitability and locks the courthouse door by default.

    The Paine test is simpler: does the rule expand liberty or concentrate power? A blanket preemption doctrine would concentrate power where oversight is already thin: contracting chains, midnight paperwork, and the kind of “operational necessity” that never meets cross-examination. The Court did not canonize Hencely’s claims. It just said he can try to prove them.

    Facts first, defenses second, immunity last, and only when earned. If war can erase accountability for private actors, what else will we let it erase next?

  • DOJ Wants a National Voter Database. I Smell a Power Grab Over Breach-Proof Privacy

    Hickory smoke in the air, grill roaring, and right in the middle comes the bureaucrat heat. Not fireworks heat, not brisket heat. The kind that shows up in a suit, calls it “public safety,” and starts rummaging around inside your civic life.

    This is the fight over whether the Justice Department can centralize sensitive voter information into what the lawsuit describes as a national voter database, and then use that consolidated material as a tool in election-related checks.

    April 21, 2026: Common Cause and partners sue

    On April 21, 2026, Common Cause and several partners filed a federal lawsuit in the U.S. District Court for the District of Columbia. The challenge targets DOJ efforts alleged to involve the compilation of confidential voter lists into a centralized system.

    In plain terms, the claim is that DOJ is demanding unredacted statewide voter registration lists and aiming to consolidate the information into a national database for voter list maintenance and citizenship-related checks. That is the heat: the paperwork wants to become a single, centralized record.

    What the complaint says DOJ is seeking

    According to the complaint, DOJ’s demands are described as including fields that vary by state, and may include sensitive identifiers such as Social Security numbers and driver’s license numbers, along with other personally identifying information. The filing describes seeking all fields in states’ Confidential Voter Lists, including items like full name, date of birth, residential address, driver’s license number, or last four digits of a registrant’s Social Security number, depending on the state.

    The lawsuit also says this work is being pursued within DOJ’s Civil Rights Division, including an effort described as stockpiling millions of Americans’ confidential voter data in a system of records.

    SAVE is the fuse, not the lawful torch

    The complaint argues DOJ plans to check citizenship using SAVE, described as a system created to verify eligibility for certain benefits rather than a do-it-all election instrument. The lawsuit claims using SAVE for mass voter citizenship checks could produce inaccurate outcomes, potentially forcing eligible voters to face errors, delays, and extra burdens.

    Bloomberg Law is also cited in the reporting as describing the lawsuit’s challenge to DOJ collecting and centralizing sensitive voter data from nearly every state, and that DOJ has sued 30 states and Washington, DC, since last summer to collect voter information. The reporting also says some efforts have been dismissed in certain jurisdictions so far.

    Centralization benefits power, not just enforcement

    The lawsuit alleges DOJ is pursuing a nationalization policy and asks the court to block DOJ from compiling and using confidential voter list data, order deletion and disentanglement, and enjoin unlawful disclosure and use. And if you build the biggest possible warehouse of sensitive identifiers, you also build a bigger target, including cybersecurity concerns described in the reporting.

  • DOJ Indicts the SPLC, and Every Autocrat in a Boardroom Smiles

    I have courthouse marble on one screen and a spreadsheet on the other. Fluorescent light. Scanner chatter. The kind of day where “accountability” gets said into a microphone while the real incentives hide in the paperwork.

    On April 21, a federal grand jury in the Middle District of Alabama indicted the Southern Poverty Law Center. The charges include wire fraud, bank fraud or false statements to a bank (coverage varies on the label), and conspiracy to commit money laundering. The government alleges the SPLC misled donors and banks, used secret accounts and fictitious names, and routed at least $3 million to informants embedded in extremist groups between 2014 and 2023. The SPLC denies wrongdoing and says the informant work helped monitor threats and save lives. This is a criminal case now, with a political aftertaste.

    Verified headline, restated

    DOJ indicts the SPLC over alleged secret payments tied to extremist-group informants, with prosecutors framing the setup as donor and bank deception.

    The indictment narrative is blunt: donors were told their money would fight hate, and prosecutors say some of it paid people inside hate groups, sometimes allegedly leaders. The government also alleges bank accounts were created under fictitious entity names to move money, framed as concealment. Reporting describes 11 counts and notes forfeiture allegations in some coverage.

    The SPLC response is also blunt. It calls the allegations false, says it will fight, and argues the informant program was dangerous work aimed at preventing violence, with information at times shared with law enforcement.

    Then there is the staging: Acting Attorney General Todd Blanche and FBI Director Kash Patel announcing the case at a press conference. That is law enforcement, yes. It is also theater with consequences.

    Translation: “nonprofit transparency” can mean “we pick the critics who bleed”

    Translation: if a nonprofit lied to donors or banks, prosecute it. Fraud is fraud.

    But translation also means reading the whole sentence. This is not a payday lender or a private prison company. It is the SPLC, a famous right-wing punching bag and a long-time tracker of white supremacist networks. The indictment storyline is basically a political cartoon: the anti-hate group secretly paid the hate.

    That framing has a use even before a verdict. The headline alone can trigger donor panic and institutional fear. You do not have to ban a critic if you can litigate the critic into a smaller, quieter shape.

    Here is the mechanism: weaponize compliance, then let self-censorship do the rest

    Subpoenas. Records demands. Staff time burned into legal review. Grantmakers asking, quietly, “are you next?” Even if the SPLC beats the case, the cost is still the product, and the lesson still spreads: be less inconvenient.

    Follow the money: who benefits from a weaker civil rights ecosystem?

    Donor hesitation is political value. Researchers backing off mapping networks is operational value. Agencies signaling they control the definition of “extremism” is institutional value. The press conference becomes the fundraising email. The indictment becomes the campaign ad.

    None of this proves innocence. It proves the incentives are filthy. So test it in open court, demand oversight that is not cosplay, and keep receipts. When the government makes an example of a civil-rights institution, the rest of us are the intended audience.

  • The Government Tried to Censor by Proxy. A Federal Judge Said: Not So Fast.

    I have seen this move in too many committee rooms with bad coffee and good excuses: an official wants speech gone, but does not want the subpoenas, hearings, and judicial review that come with doing it the lawful way. So the state takes the side door through a private gatekeeper. A call. A public scolding. A hint about prosecution. Then a platform hits delete, and everyone acts like it was just “community standards” having a wholesome moment.

    What the judge did, and why it matters

    On April 17, U.S. District Judge Jorge L. Alonso (Northern District of Illinois) granted a motion for a preliminary injunction in a lawsuit brought by Kassandra Rosado and Kreisau Group LLC. They operate an ICE-related Facebook group (“ICE Sightings – Chicagoland”) and a phone app called “Eyes Up.” The plaintiffs argue federal officials violated the First Amendment by coercing Facebook into disabling the group and coercing Apple into removing the app from the App Store.

    The judge agreed the plaintiffs are likely to succeed on the merits. A separate injunction order will follow. The parties were directed to submit a draft order and a joint status report by April 22.

    The timeline, per the court order

    • Rosado created the Facebook group in January 2025.
    • Kreisau Group created “Eyes Up” in August 2025.
    • In early October 2025, Apple removed multiple ICE-related apps, including “Eyes Up” and “ICEBlock.”
    • Around the same time, public statements by then-Attorney General Pam Bondi and then-DHS Secretary Kristi Noem took credit, directly or indirectly, for removals.
    • Facebook disabled Rosado’s group around October 14, 2025.

    The Orwell check: when “outreach” sounds like leverage

    My Orwell check is simple: when government power does something controversial, it usually shows up wearing a friendly euphemism. Here it is “outreach,” “engaging tech companies,” and “asking platforms to be proactive.” The court looked at context and saw something rougher: demands instead of requests, with insinuations of legal consequences if companies did not cooperate.

    The judge leaned on guardrails old and new: the Supreme Court’s NRA v. Vullo decision from 2024, Bantam Books (1963), and the Seventh Circuit’s Backpage.com v. Dart. Translation: pressure campaigns against intermediaries can be a First Amendment problem, even when the official does not regulate the intermediary directly.

    The liberty ledger and the tradeoff

    The plaintiffs’ speech stayed down. The court noted the group remained disabled and the app remained unavailable on the App Store, which matters for standing and for the basic reality that speech delayed is speech denied.

    Doxxing and threats are real problems. But the Constitution does not require helplessness. It requires due process: investigations with probable cause, targeted subpoenas, warrants, prosecutions of actual crimes. The tradeoff here is familiar: public safety now, rights later, and the “later” part has a habit of becoming permanent.

    The Paine test

    Does this expand liberty, or concentrate power? Government-by-nudge and government-by-threat concentrate power, especially when they bypass courts and paper trails. Judge Alonso’s ruling does not end the case, but it does light a warning flare: if the government wants speech restricted, it needs to do it in daylight, under law, with review and accountability.

    So what scares you more: the app, or the precedent?

  • The DOJ Ballot Bonfire in Wayne County: When Civil Rights Smells Like a Fishing Expedition

    Picture hickory smoke and an AM-radiosmile, then add a new kind of stink. In Wayne County, Michigan, the Justice Department is asking for a wide pile of 2024 ballot materials, and local election officials are warning about the pressure and timing.

    DOJ demands Wayne County hand over 2024 federal election ballots

    A sweeping request, with a short fuse

    Here’s the core, verified fact: Assistant Attorney General Harmeet K. Dhillon sent a letter dated April 14 demanding that Wayne County election officials turn over all ballots from the November 2024 federal election, including absentee and provisional ballots, plus ballot receipts and ballot envelopes. The letter includes a two-week deadline, and officials warned the federal government could seek a court order if the materials are not turned over in time.

    This is not a tidy, narrow request for specific records. It reads like a wholesale grab, like the government showed up asking for every burger you cooked last season and demanded it by Tuesday.

    The law they waved, the scope they swung

    Reporting says Dhillon’s stated goal was to ensure election laws were followed in the 2024 balloting. The demand cites Title III of the Civil Rights Act of 1960.

    Michigan Attorney General Dana Nessel rejected the demand. In her response, she argued it was built on discredited theories and stale allegations tied to the 2020 election, not specific problems in the 2024 election. She also emphasized that Title III requires a statement of basis and purpose, and that it provides records for inspection and copying at the custodian’s principal office, not a broad authority for federal officials to demand wholesale production the way a fishing expedition might reel in everything.

    Who benefits when election trust gets put on the grill?

    When federal inquiries turn into sweeping, short-deadline ballot grabs, the practical effect is more than paperwork. It creates churn, cost, and political anxiety, even when local officials argue the justification is weak or misapplied. And the public pressure becomes part of the story, not just the legal process.

    Checks and balances are not optional

    Federalism matters, and election administration is generally supposed to live in the state lanes except where Congress clearly authorized otherwise. If courts review the dispute, that is where the rules and accountability belong. Until then, the harm is not imaginary: deadlines and broad ballot-related requests can push local officials to scramble and comply.

    So, in plain F-150 language: if the federal government wants to check election integrity, it should do it with respect for process and scope, not vibes that make everyone feel like the next bonfire is already lit.

  • The Jury Called It a Monopoly. Washington Calls It a Business Model.

    I am mainlining stale coffee under fluorescent courthouse light, listening to scanner chatter and the soft hiss of printers spitting out exhibits like confetti for a funeral. Outside, the boardroom glass keeps smiling. Inside, a federal jury did something rare in modern America: it pointed at a giant and said, that is not just obnoxious. That is illegal.

    A jury said “monopoly” out loud. Now comes the cleanup crew.

    Last week, a federal jury in New York found Live Nation and its Ticketmaster unit liable for monopolization under federal and state antitrust law, backing a coalition of state attorneys general in a case that has been boiling since 2024. The jury credited a concrete harm figure: an overcharge of $1.72 per ticket for consumers in 22 states. The damages phase and remedies are still ahead before Judge Arun Subramanian.

    Live Nation says it will keep fighting and argues the $1.72 figure applies only to a subset of tickets at 257 venues, roughly 20 percent of its total. Fine. Either way, the legal earthquake remains: a jury just stamped the word “monopoly” onto the ticketing kingpin.

    Translation: “efficiency” is what they call it when you do not have a choice.

    Translation: when you hear talk about efficiencies, integration, or a seamless concert experience, translate it into plain English: one corporation has enough leverage across venues, promotion, and ticketing to tell the market to sit down and shut up. Fans pay more. Artists get squeezed. Venues get coerced. Rivals get iced out. Then the PR fog rolls in to blame fees on inflation, demand, or any other convenient ghost.

    The jury did not buy the fairy tale. It accepted that there was a monopoly and that consumers got overcharged. That matters because we have been trained to treat corporate dominance like gravity: natural, inevitable, not worth fighting. Antitrust law is supposed to be the opposite. It is supposed to remember markets are designed, and that design can be rigged.

    Follow the money: fees are not an accident. They are the architecture.

    Follow the money: the point of monopoly is not just higher prices. It is predictable extraction. It is turning cultural life into a toll road. Concerts are not optional for artists. Venues are not optional for tours. Ticketing is not optional for fans. So if one vertically integrated giant sits at the choke points, it can cash out at every step and call it convenience.

    The $1.72 figure is almost comic in its smallness. That is the genius of the model. You do not need to mug everyone for $200. You skim everyone, everywhere, all the time, and let scale do the laundering.

    Here is the mechanism: captured enforcement turns breakups into paperwork.

    Here is the mechanism: enforcement is a lever, and power likes to keep its hand on the lever. You sue, you negotiate, you announce guardrails, you promise monitoring, you write a compliance plan, you hold a press conference, you declare victory. Meanwhile the monopoly stays mostly intact because the remedy is designed to be survivable for the monopolist.

    That is why this verdict matters. A jury verdict is harder to spin into a friendly narrative than a settlement press release. It creates factual findings and legal exposure. It raises the cost of pretending this is just a customer service issue, and it gives judges and enforcers a sturdier platform to demand real remedies.

    The quiet part: culture is a test market for monopoly.

    The quiet part: live events are a cultural commons. When one corporation can dictate how culture is distributed, priced, and experienced, it is not just a market problem. It is a civil society problem. Monopolies teach every other sector that the strategy works: buy the bottleneck, lock the contracts, intimidate rivals, and dare regulators to blink.

    So here is the mic-drop ask: do not let this verdict be laundered into a settlement memo and forgotten. Demand remedies that actually change the market. Demand judges treat monopoly like public harm, not a rounding error. Demand state AGs keep their foot on the gas, not on the donor pedal. Push Congress to fund real enforcement. Back watchdogs who can read dockets, not just headlines. Organize as workers in the industry, because nothing scares a monopoly like labor with receipts.

    If a jury can call a monopoly by its name, why is Washington still acting like breaking one up is impolite?

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