Order in the Court! Judge Calls Trump’s Perkins Coie Purge a ‘Shakedown’
It’s another glorious day in Trump’s America, and you can smell the fresh-printed executive orders in the morning. Somewhere, a bald eagle weeps as President Donald J. Trump, freshly powdered and energized by the fumes of a thousand burning legal ethics handbooks, declares war on… Perkins Coie—America’s least sexy, most litigiously liberal law firm.
How did we get here? Set your clocks to crazy, folks. In March, Trump fires off an executive order so petty, even Nixon would’ve told him to sleep on it: “No more federal contracts for Perkins Coie. Yank their security clearances. Something about DEI, and something about representing people I don’t like. Sad!” Legal scholars everywhere reach for their blood pressure medication.
Fast forward to federal court, where Judge Beryl Howell, channeling the ghost of every overworked law school professor, puts the brakes on Trump’s latest strongman routine. She looks at the order, squints, and asks if anyone else sees a resemblance to a mob shakedown—only with fewer cannolis and more red tape.
“Is this about national security, or are you just mad Perkins Coie made fun of your tie?” she all but asks. She wonders aloud if this executive tantrum is just a way to force lawyers to do “pro bono work” for the regime, like a medieval king demanding his courtiers juggle for scraps. According to Judge Howell, this isn’t governance—it’s blackmail with a government seal.
But Trump’s flunkies aren’t about to be outdone. They argue it’s all about integrity, not revenge. “This is just standard procedure for anyone with a suspiciously progressive client list,” they say, while sneakily checking which other law firms liked Hillary’s posts on LinkedIn.
Perkins Coie, meanwhile, files a lawsuit so thick you could use it to prop up the White House’s sagging ethical foundation. First Amendment violation! Fifth Amendment violation! And probably violation of the Geneva Conventions for good measure. The firm warns: if the government can pull your contract for daring to represent the wrong client, there won’t be a lawyer left in D.C. willing to defend a parking ticket, much less the Constitution.
Turns out, this isn’t just a one-off. The Trump admin has gone full “bouncer at the club”—WilmerHale and Susman Godfrey are also getting the boot, and the only ones left in the room are Trump’s lawyers, who are already triple-booked defending the president from… well, everything else.
Judge Howell is having none of it. She calls it a “shakedown” (legal term: “shady as hell”). She points out the executive branch can’t just go around yanking clearances and contracts like a mad king, especially because someone tweeted something mean. Checks and balances, remember those? Turns out, the Founders didn’t want the president picking winners and losers in the courtroom like it’s some dystopian game show.
So where do we go from here? If Trump’s order stands, the bar exam will be replaced with a loyalty test, and “equal justice under law” will be replaced by “equal justice unless you once bought coffee for someone who voted blue.”
Welcome to the Banana Republic Bar Association. In this new America, your right to representation is only as good as your client’s last Fox News rating.
What do you think, WOYJO readers? Is this just executive hardball or a constitutional crisis with a punchline? Drop your hottest takes, share the legal drama, and tag a lawyer who still has their security clearance (for now).
Justin Jest, still banned from the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, signing off—unless the executive order comes for WOYJO next.
