Trump vs. Dick Tater: Faux News Debate Night 2028
🎙️ FAUX NEWS DEBATE NIGHT 2028 Continuing Coverage in the Comments Section (Patriots Only) “LIVE from the Hall of Broken Norms” Trump vs. Tater: The Final Solution… Round One [Thunder crashes. Patriotic dubstep drops. Crowd of red-hat clones and paramilitary cosplay cheers wildly. A massive jumbotron flashes: “WHO WILL RULE AMERICA?”] Moderator: Chad Flagston Faux…
🎙️ FAUX NEWS DEBATE NIGHT 2028
Continuing Coverage in the Comments Section (Patriots Only)
“LIVE from the Hall of Broken Norms”
Trump vs. Tater: The Final Solution… Round One
[Thunder crashes. Patriotic dubstep drops. Crowd of red-hat clones and paramilitary cosplay cheers wildly. A massive jumbotron flashes: “WHO WILL RULE AMERICA?”]
Moderator: Chad Flagston
Faux News Veteran and Self-Certified Constitutional Expert
“Welcome to Debate Night, sponsored by Freedom Fries™ and Lockheed Martin’s School of Governance. Tonight’s question: Which of these two liberty-loathing lunatics deserves to run the last free country standing?”
Donald J. Trump
Orange, defiant, arms folded like a 5th-grade dodgeball champ
Dick Tater
Pale, twitchy, wearing a sash that says “#1 Strongman”
Question 1: “Why do you deserve to be America’s next dictator?”
Trump:
“Look, I’ve already been dictator. People forget. I had generals scared to say no. I told states what to do. I built the wall, part of it. Okay, a piece. But it was the best piece. I had the most executive orders, more than Lincoln, more than Roosevelt. And nobody shoots tear gas better than me. Not even Dick here.”
Dick Tater:
“With all due respect, Donald, your rallies were cute, but I’m the future. I don’t just flirt with martial law, I marry it. I have drones that enforce curfew by facial recognition. I’ve digitized dissent. I mean, come on. You’re still using Truth Social. I use fear.”
Question 2: “What’s your plan to deal with immigration?”
Trump:
“Easy. I scare them. They self-deport. Some of them even self-deport before I tweet. It’s amazing. Just tremendous fear. Very efficient.”
Dick Tater:
“I prefer results. 3,000 arrests per day. I’ve militarized every DMV. You need a passport to buy toothpaste. If they don’t cry during processing, we do it again.”
Trump:
“Too expensive. You’re like Biden with tanks. Sad!”
Question 3: “What will you do on Day One in office?”
Dick Tater:
“Dissolve Congress. Replace the FBI with my personal militia: the Tater Tots. Install loyalty bracelets. Nationalize all late-night shows. Rename the country The People’s Republic of Patriotica.”
Trump:
“Copycat. I already did most of that. I made the Supreme Court mine. I controlled the Justice Department. I pardoned criminals on live TV. I said Article II lets me do whatever I want, and no one stopped me. I’m not a wannabe. I’m the prototype.”
Closing Statements
Dick Tater:
“If you want a dictator, don’t settle for yesterday’s MAGA. Choose tomorrow’s surveillance state.”
Trump:
“You want a boot on your neck? Mine’s gold-plated, baby.”
[Cue lights, fireworks, and a surprise drone flyover dropping QR codes for the national loyalty pledge app.]
“You’ve seen the madness. You’ve heard the lies. Now YOU decide who gets the nuclear codes, again.”
“Because democracy was fun while it lasted.”
Dick Tater Outlines His Regime Agenda
President Trump 2028 Presidential Address
Dick Tater Promises a New Dictatorship in 2028
TRUMP Announces 2028 Camaign
Trump vs. Dick Tater: Faux News Debate Night 2028
Keep Me Marginally Informed
🎓 FAUX NEWS FACT-CHECK ROUNDUP: TRUMP VS. DICK TATER
“We watched so you didn’t have to. You’re welcome, America.”
Claim: Trump said he “already was a dictator.”
Rating: True-ish, but he wasn’t supposed to say the quiet part out loud.
Trump previously claimed Article II gave him the power to “do whatever I want.” And, to be fair, he acted accordingly—using the DOJ as a law firm for his cronies, calling state elections fake unless he won, and trying to pardon himself like a man caught cheating at Monopoly.
Claim: Dick Tater says he “digitized dissent.”
Rating: Unverifiable—but terrifyingly plausible.
Tater’s proposed “Loyalty App” tracks heart rate and eye movement during national anthems. His campaign also pushed for mandatory iCloud surveillance under “Operation Patriot Scan.” Whether he’s serious or just LARPing in fascist mode is unclear. But the code is already on GitHub.
Claim: Trump says immigrants “self-deport when he tweets.”
Rating: Mostly delusional.
While some immigration drops coincided with his presidency, attributing it to his tweets is like saying cockroaches fled your apartment because you wrote a Yelp review. No evidence supports “Trump Tweets = Mass Exodus,” but he did succeed in making America less inviting in general.
Claim: Dick Tater arrested 3,000 people a day using militarized DMVs.
Rating: False—but give it a month.
There is no record of DMVs deploying stun drones… yet. However, leaked internal memos from the “Department of Homeland Efficiency” reference “Tactical License Renewal Zones,” so… maybe don’t go in for Real ID next week.
Claim: Trump said he made the Supreme Court his own.
Rating: Sadly, accurate.
Trump appointed three Justices, and all now read the Constitution like it’s a Chick-fil-A menu. Judicial independence is technically still a thing—just not when he’s yelling at them from Mar-a-Lago via fax machine.
Claim: Dick Tater created a personal militia called the “Tater Tots.”
Rating: False, but merch is already selling out.
No official militia yet, but we found multiple TikToks of frat bros in camo doing goose-steps to the beat of Kid Rock, and a Shopify store selling “Tater Tot Tactical Vests.” The revolution may be dumb, but it’s branded.
Claim: Trump’s boot is gold-plated.
Rating: Confirmed by Mar-a-Lago staff.
Also: made in China.
Final Assessment:
Both candidates lied, gaslit, and shouted over the Constitution.
But only one has actually tried to overthrow the government.
Edge goes to Trump: The OG American Dictator.
Dick Tater may be catching up, but Trump is the Michael Jordan of democratic erosion.
📊 FAUX NEWS DEBATE NIGHT 2028 EXIT POLL REPORT
“The People Have Spoken. We Just Wish They Wouldn’t.”
Location: Outside the Hall of Broken Norms, where thousands gathered to cheer on authoritarian cosplay and eat deep-fried freedom.
Polling Question: “Who do you trust more with absolute power and zero oversight?”
Rick from Alabama, wearing three Trump flags and a boot holster:
“I voted for Trump because he already knows where the bodies are buried. Hell, he put some of ’em there.”
Susan from Vermont, former civics teacher, visibly weeping:
“I wrote in the Constitution. The actual document. I folded it into a little paper ballot and cried.”
Officer Randy, off-duty Border Patrol agent:
“I voted for Dick Tater. Anyone who promises facial scans at Taco Bell has my vote. I’m tired of guessing who speaks English.”
Kyle from Texas, influencer:
“I don’t care who wins as long as they let me keep livestreaming from the FEMA camps.”
Debra, retired judge, holding a torn-up copy of the Bill of Rights:
“One of them said habeas corpus was ‘woke.’ The other called it a side dish. We’re so, so screwed.”
Poll Worker (wearing night-vision goggles):
“It was a peaceful vote. Only six tear-gas incidents, two drone malfunctions, and one guy tried to write in George Washington but got arrested for historical revisionism.”
RESULTS:
Trump (The OG Authoritarian): 47%
Dick Tater (The Ambitious Bootlicker): 44%
Write-ins (Constitution, Taylor Swift, “A Guy Named Steve”): 6%
Too afraid to answer: 3%
Statistically Screaming: Margin of error ±100%.
Anchor Recap:
“As America barrels toward autocracy, one thing is clear: the voters are engaged, terrified, and dangerously misinformed. Democracy may be dead—but at least the ratings are up.”
🎙️ FAUX NEWS MORNING AFTER PANEL
Good morning, America—it’s time for the Faux News Morning After Panel, where we spin last night’s authoritarian dumpster fire into a heartwarming tale of patriotic collapse.
DEBATE RECAP – TWO MEN, NO PLAN, ALL POWER
Host: Muffy Glockenshield, wearing pearls and an emotional support bulletproof vest.
“Welcome back! If you missed last night’s debate—first of all, you’re un-American—but also, we’ve got highlights, hot takes, and some fresh state-approved coffee in the breakroom. Let’s meet the panel!”
Buck Reagan (Former War Profiteer & Author of ‘Why Democracy is Overrated’):
“What we saw last night was the future of American politics: strongmen with stronger branding. Dick Tater’s drone strikes may lack subtlety, but his use of facial recognition during applause breaks was a bold move. It’s what I call clap-tocracy.”
Tammy Lou Firestorm (Conservative Pop Star Turned Senatorial Candidate):
“I just want a leader who makes me feel safe singing the national anthem while armed. Trump did that for me. Dick Tater? Too clinical. I need a man who sweats red, white, and Diet Coke.”
Dr. Winston Fairweather (Disgraced Historian, Hired to Provide Gravitas):
“In ancient Rome, emperors seized power by force. In 2028, they do it with emojis and loyalty apps. Truly fascinating. And horrifying. But mostly fascinating. Please let me leave.”
Zoe Chen (The One Liberal They Let On for Ratings):
“We just watched two grown men argue over who would destroy civil liberties faster while an audience cheered like it was a monster truck rally. I’m sorry, are we still pretending this is a democracy?”
“Sheriff” Rick Thunder (Militia TikTok Influencer):
“I support whoever gives me the most ammo vouchers. Right now, Trump’s in the lead. But Dick Tater has better uniforms.”
Muffy Glockenshield:
“Fascinating insights, as always. Up next: Can tanks on Main Street boost small business foot traffic? And later—why you might owe FEMA a loyalty test after brunch.”